


Hindsight is a Bitch

by Fortheoneatopthecity



Category: Vampire: The Masquerade, Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines 2, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Character Interpretation, Friendship break up, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Pre-VTMB2, Reflection, Self-Reflection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25990186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fortheoneatopthecity/pseuds/Fortheoneatopthecity
Summary: The time and distance away from Los Angeles has Damsel self-reflecting on her relationship with her friend and hero Nines Rodriguez and realising some uncomfortable truths.
Relationships: Nines Rodriguez & Damsel, Nines Rodriguez & Skelter
Comments: 16
Kudos: 14





	Hindsight is a Bitch

**Author's Note:**

> Well, after a month of writing and editing I've finally finished this fic! Now, this was very much inspired by @brujahinaskirt 's character essay on Nines Rodriguez which has quite a different take on him and has many eye-opening points! I strongly recommend reading it before this fic. https://brujahinaskirt.tumblr.com/post/623647486574247936/missn11-says-ask-and-ye-shall-receive-fellow
> 
> I also want to point out that whilst this fic isn't entirely antagonistic towards Nines, it doesn't however paint him in a good light either. Nines is one of my favorite characters from VTMB but I found how he was presented in the essay so utterly fascinating, that I had wanted to explore the concepts further.

The heavens poured out heavily onto the streets of Seattle, as they did regularly, unlike in California. It had been something of a novelty for Damsel when she had relocated to Seattle from LA, along with having her own space for once.

For the first few months here alone, she had missed Nines and being in the Free States, still longed for the latter even now. Goddamn Camarilla territories were the fucking worst! Too many stupid rules that the Elders of the Camarilla themselves didn’t always follow! So many young Kindred getting screwed three ways to Sunday because of them! Damsel couldn’t wait for the day when all this hard work would pay off and the Kindred of Seattle could kick the motherfucking fascists out and make their own community! One that would be fairer, maybe one that could work better than LA when she had left, the dream that Nines had first sold to her.

Damsel sighed. She could feel a tinge of guilt for being so disappointed and impatient about how LA wasn’t coming together like the collective it should have been. Nines had always said that she should be more patient and shit like this took time. But if that was the case then why was it taking so long to drill into Isaac’s and Therese’s skulls that they all should work together and share everything rather than hole themselves up in their own territories? Wasn’t Nines’ sensible reasoning enough to convince them?

 _Maybe we should’ve driven both Isaac and Therese out years ago. It’s clear that neither of them are going to change their minds. LA doesn’t need Camarilla-lite politics stinking up the place._ Though Damsel remembered with a wince when she had suggested that years back, she had witnessed an uncharacteristically terrified look in Nines’ fiery blues before he had quickly gotten angry and told her to shut up before storming out. Later he had come back and apologised for shouting at her, explaining that they just couldn’t handle another war right now.

Which had made sense, she couldn’t fault him for that at all. It hadn’t been that long since the short-lived, fancy-pants asshole, LaCroix, had been blown to high heaven and the Anarchs had finally chased away the left-over Camarilla garbage. They had lost some good people, though not as many as they would have done if they had needed to fight the Kuei-jin again as well. That kid, Cammy, had done them a big favour in taking both Ming Xiao and her people out along with LaCroix. It had been a shame that Cammy hadn’t joined the Anarchs afterwards.

Although, at the time she had been secretly happy that she didn’t, the whole time she had been in among the LA Kindred scene, her exploits had been all anyone talked about, including Nines. And that had really pissed Damsel off, though at the time she hadn’t wanted to admit why.

Damsel knew why now. Back in 04 she had been working hard to keep everyone in the Last Round together, to help out Nines whenever she could and that had grown mentally exhausting. Especially since, looking back with hindsight, Nines hadn’t been giving her the appreciation she had needed, not that she had ever demanded it, even though it would’ve lifted her spirits after assholes had treated her with such a lack of respect as to make her blood boil. Not to say that Nines ever let those pricks treat her like that when he was around, depending on what was said or done, they were either kicked out or taken out back for a beatdown and Damsel had always been grateful for that.

But Nines hadn’t always been at The Last Round to deal with those fuckers. It had been a good thing she didn’t take such bullshit laying down and had cowed those dumbasses back into place. Of course, that had often left her on edge, ready to blow up on whatever poor bastard happened to say slightly the wrong thing at the wrong time. Some nights just anyone talking to her at all had been enough to make her explode.

And that had been how Cammy and Damsel had gotten off on the wrong foot almost immediately, not helped by how Cammy had been willing to verbally fight back, to the point that Nines and Skelter had needed to step in and pull the both of them apart before they came to blows. She had seethed for the next hour, watching Nines talk with Cammy and give her some pointers in brawling. Jealous, she had felt she was being neglected by Nines in favour of the newbie, though back then she’d rather have polished LaCroix’s shoes than admit it. Instead she justified her feelings by thinking Cammy hadn’t deserved Nines’ attention after their little blow out.

But after Skelter had nagged her into coming out back with him for a smoke, she had felt a little better. Calmer almost instantly, she and Skelter had spent their smoke break just chatting bullshit, avoiding talking about Kindred politics. Once their cigarettes had burned out and it was time to go back inside, Skelter had placed his hand on Damsel’s shoulder and said, “Hey, I know you’re on edge, so am I, but if Nines thinks that Cammy is worth talking to then maybe there’s hope for her.”

She had sighed, feeling a little embarrassed about getting so damned worked up over nothing. Skelter had been right, that kid did have some damn big balls to fight back, perhaps Nines could help her see that the Camarilla was bullshit. Damsel had smiled back at Skelter and thanked him.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s hard work we do, and you work the hardest of all of us.” Skelter’s words had briefly given her pause but she had quickly shaken off her surprise at him acknowledging her efforts.

If she had thought about it more, it would’ve made her feel resentment for Nines not being able to do something that simple even Skelter had been able to do it. Skelter, the Vietnam vet turned Gangrel, wasn’t known for outwardly being a big softy, but he had been able to say what she had needed to hear.

But yeah, Cammy did turn out to be something alright, more than anyone could’ve imagined. Even early on she had shown some damned guts in taking out all the plague bearers by herself. So Damsel had forced herself to thank her for the help and she had been kind enough to not rub it in. For the most part Damsel and Cammy kept themselves civil around each other despite the air of tension between them, although that might’ve been mainly on Damsel’s end.

Upon reflection, Cammy hadn’t seemed to mind her much, perhaps even liked her. But there had been times Cammy’s eyes had looked at her with held back discomfort whenever Damsel talked about Nines. She had chalked it up to her never having known someone that she would be willing to do anything for. And Damsel had been willing to do anything for Nines, even give her life for him if she had to. Of course, it was possible Cammy had seen at the time in Damsel an utter pure devotion for Nines that seemed unhealthy to her.

Damsel didn’t want to even think about the word that would’ve been in Cammy’s head at the time, it was too much for her even now to contemplate. She knew what it was of course, she had heard it in the way Cammy had wondered, if Damsel was really all about freedom, then why Nines? After explaining that Nines wasn’t like any man in world before and since, that he was a true icon, Damsel could see her discomfort increase, yet Cammy had also known better than to argue with Damsel further.

And Damsel knew that she hadn’t been the only one to be questioned by Cammy about following Nines, Skelter had had a similar conversation. Of course, like with Damsel, Cammy hadn’t pushed when it had been clear that nothing was clicking with him either.

But in a way Cammy had planted a seed in Skelter that didn’t sprout until much, much later. Yet it had been sooner than for Damsel at any rate.

Despite the civility between herself and Cammy, Damsel had still felt a burning jealousy flaring up whenever Nines paid Cammy special attention. She felt that if Cammy didn’t fuck off out of LA, Damsel would never get Nines’ attention ever again. What kind of stupid childish bullshit had she been even thinking?

Whenever Nines gave Damsel his attention, his real honest, attention, it felt so amazing, like she was so special. She had learned so much from him. Owed him everything. Nines had found Damsel shortly after she was embraced, when she had been scared and alone, not knowing shit what she was, aside from the fact she now only could drink blood. The bastard who had turned her hadn’t bothered to stick around. Nines had managed to calm her down, softly explaining to her what had happened and had taken her in. Damsel hadn’t been the only one, Nines had been helping out other abandoned or abused fledglings, giving them a place to sleep and feed.

Nines wasn’t as angry back then, more emotionally open with others. It hadn’t bothered him when the fledglings he had helped left with gratitude. She could now see that there was a difference between Nines then and later.

He had first changed when Jeremy McNeil had abandoned the Anarch Free States after the Kuei-Jin had got their foot in LA’s door and Salvador Garcia had joined them, a slight darkness beginning to worm its way in. It had taken more hold of Nines when some of his original coterie were cut down by the Kuei-jin and the rest of the traitors joined up with the Camarilla, making him even more closed off. However, Nines didn’t make his repressed emotions apparent to either Damsel or Skelter, he hid them well and it was easy to excuse any of his behaviour at the time since shit was real tense back then.

But seeing Nines give his special attention to Cammy and the way he had spoken so highly about her had hurt and made Damsel feel so shitty. Going on and on about all the potential Cammy had, he had said he could see a spark in her that would get the Free States going again, like she was the second coming of Jeremy McNeil or something!

Hearing that had pissed Damsel off and she had ended up snidely saying that Cammy wasn’t worth shit if she couldn’t get away from LaCroix’s hold. Seeing the flash of darkness in Nines’ eyes, she had instantly regretted talking shit but then relaxed when he said, “Yeah, that is a point but the Kid is in the perfect position to help us pull LaCroix’s Persian rug right out from under his capitalistic feet! From talking with her, I know she is pretty sick of LaCroix’s bullshit, enough to be willing to help us out. Tell the Kid next time you see her, if she wants to join us, help us by using her position to spy on LaCroix, I’m sure she can find us something that’ll take him down for good!”

Damsel had agreed to the plan right away without thinking, not even questioning why she had to be the one to offer Cammy the chance to help out the Anarchs by spying on LaCroix, too wrapped up in the whole situation to even think about it. It could’ve put Cammy in great danger but in a way it was too good an opportunity to pass up and, of course, it was no skin off their noses if something did go wrong.

But it wasn’t something that Nines would have ever suggested back before the Kuei-jin invaded and Jeremy McNeil left. Too much like Camarilla bullshit politics for their taste. Yet it was like he said, they had to use everything they could to get rid of LaCroix. And Damsel was tired of Cammy getting all of Nines’ attention.

Cammy did agree to spy on LaCroix for them, but it was with a cold detachment that unnerved Damsel, as though Cammy was seeing her as just another Elder giving her pawn a task. Damsel hadn’t cared for the idea of that comparison but regardless, Cammy had come through and dutifully given her any information on LaCroix that could help them out and Nines had been damned impressed. Begrudgingly so was Damsel.

Of course, when LaCroix had Ming Xiao frame Nines for Alister Grout’s murder by shapeshifting into his image and using Cammy as the witness, Damsel had been pissed beyond belief and ready to jump to the worst conclusion about the Fledgling. But that had been the jealousy talking. She had been angry that Nines was getting fucked over by LaCroix calling a blood hunt on him, despite the fact that she and Skelter had corroborated their leader’s whereabouts at the time of Grout’s murder. But when did the Camarilla ever give a single fuck about having a fair trial?

And so Nines had fled to Griffith Park, trusting Damsel, Skelter and Jack with the location of his hiding place until the whole thing blew over. It had felt good that he was trusting her with something so important, his attention, though brief due to the circumstances, was what she had needed so badly.

With Nines hiding out, Damsel and Skelter had been obliged to run things until he got back. And it had been rough with all the dumb fuckers having a bad time without Nines’ leadership, complaining and fearing that everything was lost because Nines was having to hide. A few assholes had even called Nines a coward for hiding from the blood hunt. She and Skelter had shown them to watch their mouths.

Yet, those couple of weeks with Nines gone had been agonising, hoping desperately that LaCroix’s bullshit excuse to get rid of him would be found out. And when Damsel had learned from Cammy that LaCroix and Ming Xiao had an alliance and had framed Nines, she could’ve flown off the handle and she wished that she could’ve punched that bitch, Ming Xiao, into a pulp! And LaCroix? Oh, LaCroix would’ve been kissing the sidewalk from all the way atop his tower!

But Damsel didn’t end up doing any of those things, instead she took the chance that LaCroix had wised up about the threat the Kuei-jin posed, even if only to save his own ass, and really wanted to form an alliance between the Camarilla and Anarchs to wipe the fuckers out! But she should’ve listened to her gut warning her that it was a bad idea to tell Cammy where Nines had gone, not because of Cammy but because of LaCroix.

Damsel had been just so relieved that Nines was a tough, lucky bastard who had not only survived a werewolf attack but had also killed one too! But, dear God, did he go on nearly all night about his story of killing the werewolf! He had been oddly such a braggart about the whole business that it had pissed her and Skelter off.

She didn’t know why it had annoyed her so much at the time, perhaps it had been Nines’ lack of understanding of how close the Downtown Anarchs had been to being finished if he really had died. Maybe if Damsel had said something then, he would’ve understood and knocked it off. So many things she kept wishing that she could’ve done and said.

However, things had been going too fast at the time to even think, she had been desperate to make up for getting Nines into trouble in the first place and so had guarded him while he had ordered the troops to keep the Camarilla busy. At least Nines had never blamed her for what had happened though, telling her it was either LaCroix’s or Ming Xiao’s fault.

That night, in between bragging about the werewolf, Nines’ horribly injured face had held great trepidation and he had sounded a little on edge. After Cammy had killed Ming Xiao and LaCroix and rejected his offer to join the Anarchs his voice had begun to lose its power, being replaced with something more vulnerable. And Damsel could tell that he didn’t like her or Skelter hearing him like this, as if he didn’t want them to know that he was human and fallible. It had been a surprise for Damsel to witness such unrestrained vulnerability in Nines. That was when she had started to see that the pedestal she and all the other Anarchs had placed Nines on was made of clay.

Even after they had chased away what was left of the Camarilla, a melancholy had come over Nines. It seemed that Cammy’s rejection of him had hit him even harder than Damsel had first thought. She couldn’t even feel happy about Cammy no longer taking up Nines’ attention anymore, since Cammy’s rejection was all he ever talked about. He constantly went on and on about how Cammy could have been something for the Anarch cause if she had joined them, that things would actually have gotten done. Having to hear all that from Nines had just made Damsel feel like garbage and frustrated, though again she wouldn’t admit to herself why.

The affect it had on Skelter on the other hand was to extinguish his worship of Nines. And when things began to quiet down, that was when Skelter and Nines had started to argue about nearly everything. Jack had left LA to go back to his roots of travelling the seas again and Damsel had been left with the gruelling task of trying to keep them from coming to blows.

And the one night that she hadn’t been there to referee their arguments, had been the night Skelter had left the Anarchs and LA for good. Damsel never could quite get the whole story of the falling out between Nines and Skelter, there had been too many different interpretations. One person had said that they had been arguing about what to do with the Thinbloods in LA, with Skelter being superstitious, saying that they should kill them all and Nines wanting to spare them. Another witness account was that Skelter had accused Nines of using his charisma to make a cult worshiping him and never let anyone else have an opinion different from his own.

But whatever the true version of Skelter’s and Nines’ final argument, the way Nines had acted afterwards had been telling. He had gotten real mad when Damsel had tried to ask him about it, ranting and raving about how he didn’t want to talk about that ‘deserter’ ever again. She had felt a slight chill from the way he wouldn’t say Skelter’s name, it was as though the Gangrel had lost the ‘right’ to even have Nines speak of him anymore. Maybe Damsel had feared if she’d gone against Nines in some way, she too would be reduced to a ‘traitor’ or ‘deserter’, her name revoked completely from his vocabulary, as though no longer deserving. But in truth she had nothing to fear as, unlike Skelter, she never got into arguments with Nines, as she agreed with him on pretty much everything.

Damsel could see that Skelter abandoning Nines and the Anarch cause, was having a bad effect on him and there hadn’t been anything she could say or do to relieve him. For a long while after the final argument with Skelter whenever she and Nines were in private, he seemed to be always unravelling, his mood flipping between moroseness, paranoia and extreme anger. It had felt like the smallest slight against him seemed to trigger a blinding rage or wild accusations. Afterwards Nines would calm down but then start to morosely talk about how everything seemed so hopeless.

Again, nothing she could say helped Nines and he would often suddenly storm out to wander the city alone. Damsel followed him a few times, to make sure he wasn’t going to be doing something stupid. It had been hard at first to keep up with Nines, he almost seemed to blend in with the crowds. His ability to vanish wasn’t due to powerful disciplines or any sort of magical bullshit but rather that he was able to turn down the magnetism that drew so many to the cause and become just another face.

The first time Damsel was able to follow Nines successfully, she thought he had simply wandered by these places by chance. Why else would he purposely go to the remains of LaCroix’s tower, where some of the residents had placed a memorial to all those who had died in the last attack? Or to the burnt ruins of the Chantry? Or the now closed down and disused Temple?

But as she continued to pursue him after his breakdowns, it became clear this was a route he always followed every time. At every spot he visited, Nines would sit down on the ground with his back against the building, his eyes closed and his expression immediately visibly relaxing. Sometimes he would talk to himself but from Damsel’s hiding place she could never hear what he was saying. She could’ve found a spot closer to him, but she didn’t want to get caught, not wanting him to think that she too was turning on him.

Which was why Damsel had never asked Nines about his route, after all if it helped him calm down, wasn’t that enough?

Though no-one else was a witness to Nines’ mood swings and breakdowns, his near nightly absences started to wear on the nerves of some of the older Anarchs and accusatory mutterings about him shirking his duty had started to get too much for Damsel. She had wanted to scream at them for not understanding what was going on with Nines but she knew that he would hate her for doing it.

The younger Anarchs would shout the oldest ones down, defending Nines with a great fervour that Damsel herself didn’t even possess. It was heartening and yet somewhat frightening at the same time. Pretty soon, any Anarch older than a decade quickly left Nines’ cause to go their own separate ways, citing that they were getting tired of him not being present in his own group and having to constantly deal with his younger followers ‘white-knighting’ for him.

While Damsel understood Nines had his own demons that he wanted to deal with alone, she knew his way of coping couldn’t continue any longer. Sure, the more fanatical Anarchs would stand by Nines no matter what, but she had been seeing more and more Anarchs who had previously stood up for him in the past whispering doubts about his leadership and they were less likely to listen to her reassurances.

Despite all Damsel’s hard work, no-one truly respected her like they did Nines, so it felt her word meant shit to all of them. Perhaps they had thought she was yet another fanatic of Nines, excusing his actions. _Maybe I was excusing Nines being so absent to the cause. Maybe I should’ve given it to him straight about them leaving us, it could’ve helped give him the kick up his ass he needed…_

But Damsel didn’t tell Nines about their complaints, knowing that it could all backfire and make him even more morose. Or maybe she had been afraid he’d lose it for real in front of them and do something he really would regret. Hell, she might’ve saved everything they had spent years working for by not telling Nines the truth in his depressed state! At least she hoped that had been the right thing to do back then but as the years had gone on, she wasn’t sure anymore.

Eventually, by chance Nines did get confronted by his critics while on his nightly route. Damsel hadn’t been there to see what occurred, but she heard it had been one hell of a mess. Nines’ confrontation with his critics had been interrupted by the young fanatics shouting and throwing whatever they could get their hands on and a fight had broken out. It had been an uncontrollable, messy fight, with so many on both sides of the conflict getting themselves beaten up.

But the craziness seemed to bring Nines’ spirits back and he had somehow managed to get them to stop fighting each other with a speech. Damsel had heard it was damn inspiring. But his speech hadn’t been enough for his critics to want to come back to him and they had shouted their complaints at him. Nines apparently had to verbally hold back the more fanatical Anarchs on his side to prevent another fight breaking out.

Once his critics had finished yelling at Nines about what he wasn’t doing for the cause in their opinion, he had tried to reason with them but it hadn’t been enough and they had still wanted out of the group. What happened next Damsel wasn’t too sure about, again there had been so many conflicting accounts.

Some had claimed that the moment Nines’ critics’ backs were turned he had ordered the fanatics to attack them, the battle fast turning very bloody and deadly. Damsel had doubts of how much truth there was in that account. Even now, it seemed to her so out of character for Nines to have behaved so underhandedly.

Most claimed that Nines’ critics accused him of being a cult leader because of the way he seemed to gather younger Kindred around him and indoctrinate them into being willing to die for him and, deciding he was too dangerous to live, they had attacked him and the fanatics. It was said that Nines’ cries for them to stop went unheard, leaving him no choice but to battle with them to the death.

Nines’ retelling of what had occurred had been unclear, as though he had no idea himself what had happened, he had just sounded so lost and confused and kept going back on himself in every detail. Damsel had thought it was just shock making his memories blurred and she had blamed herself for not telling Nines about the discontent that had been brewing. If she had only warned Nines, maybe the fight wouldn’t have had to happen at all.

While Nines, as was to be expected, became more depressed in the aftermath of the battle, the event also seemed to help kick him up a gear and he stopped going on his nightly route, becoming more present for the Anarchs. Which should’ve made Damsel feel happier and at first it did, but then she noticed a bigger shift in their group dynamic as more and more recruits of young, extremely passionate Kindred joined their group.

After that big, bloody fight last time, it seemed no-one dared to openly question him ever again. Some of these young Kindred wouldn’t just pick verbal fights with those who would criticise Nines’ leadership but also with each other, as though testing their loyalty for him. It had been exhausting for Damsel to deal with these nightly rants, raves and fights and even though Nines was there more often, his presence didn’t seem to calm them down but rather heightened their mania to disturbing levels.

The few rare times Damsel had brought her concerns to Nines about these new Kindred, he always brushed her off, saying that they were just really passionate and it was what they had been needing. She had always left those conversations feeling like he wasn’t actually listening to her anymore, in fact, she had begun to feel as if he was no longer interested in hearing anything that wasn’t positive.

Perhaps that hadn’t been true but by then she had become too tired to attempt to argue her point with Nines anymore, it had seemed a waste of time and instead she had decided to keep quiet about her opinions.

Before her move to Seattle, Damsel had felt her passion and spark for change nearly vanish, leaving her almost a shell of a person. Fearing losing her Brujah passion, she had asked Nines about it in a panic and he had told her wistfully, “It happens to all of us, Damsel, it’s just the way things go. The young always have that spark and passion the Anarch cause needs.”

“When did your spark go, Nines?” she had asked wearily.

The way Nines’ jaw had tightened and his eyes darted to the side had made Damsel dread his answer. “I suppose I didn’t realise that I had already lost my spark until there wasn’t anyone else to fight anymore,” he had answered quietly, his expression becoming despairing, “But if I’m really honest, I lost it when Jeremy McNeil lost his. I guess, unlike Jeremy, I didn’t think it right to abandon everyone.”

Damsel’s heart had broken for Nines then, he had been holding the whole cause on his shoulders this whole time, even when his spark had left him. But the lingering thought was, if it had taken a big event for Jeremy McNeil and Nines to lose that very spark that made Brujah and Anarch, then why had the loss of hers come at such a painfully slow pace? And was there a way to get it back? Did it have to be that once the spark was gone there was no chance for it to come back?

Damsel hadn’t wanted to believe that at all. She just didn’t know what would bring it back. If this was something that would happen to all Brujah then why did it take so long for Jeremy? And had Jack ever lost his spark? He couldn’t have, right? Or was he so damn good at hiding it, like Nines was? And why hadn’t Nines told her sooner, allowing her to wonder if she hadn’t been dedicated enough to the cause? Damsel now knew it wasn’t her lack of devotion that had made her lose her spark.

She had not questioned Nines further, she could tell that the whole conversation had taken a lot out of him and he had wanted to be alone for a while. Personally Damsel would’ve thought that she would be relieved to get this big secret she’d been keeping for nearly fifteen years off her chest at this point if she had been in Nines’ position. Truthfully, she had felt a little better knowing that she hadn’t been alone in feeling this way. But it didn’t seem to be the case for Nines, in fact he seemed to just get more depressed and sound defeated again.

Damsel remembered how he had pitched the move to Seattle for her, “We’ve held LA again for nearly fifteen years at this point but it’s getting stagnant here, the new blood getting too cynical too fast, Damsel.”

“With the state of things in the world it, ain’t too hard to be.” Damsel had truly wanted to say that maybe the younger Kindred were getting burned out ‘cause it felt like nothing in Los Angeles was changing, not moving forward as it should be and that everyone was too split off, doing their own thing, but she hadn’t wanted to be dismissed by him again.

Nines had looked at Damsel sharply as he took a drag of his cigarette. She had the feeling that he didn’t entirely buy her all too easy answers anymore, likely sensing that she did have more to say, yet he never made her tell him the truth of her feelings. Guess he on some level wasn’t yet ready to hear the real honest truth. “Maybe,” Nines had started carefully, “they need some more victories again. Prague and Berlin were great and all but we need more. The Unbound need more victories in the States, they gotta see that we can win this long battle with the Camarilla. I think we need to start spreading the cause further up North. Seattle.”

Damsel had nodded, she did agree with Nines on that, with the Sabbat all doing them a favour by fucking off and the Camarilla starting to burrow themselves away, banning all use of technology, maybe this was the time to start to really help or spread the cause in other territories. “Who are you thinking of sending?”

Nines had blown out another puff of smoke, his eyes looking into Damsel’s intensely and she had wondered what had been going around in his head. “I was thinking of sending you, actually.”

Damsel had blinked with disbelief, finding herself unable to find the words to even reply to his announcement. Not that Nines had given her the chance to respond, as he had immediately added, “I think it would be good for you, I can tell that you’re suffering the most from this stagnated air surrounding LA. You need a change of pace from being the den mother of the Last Round, you need to move on to better things, Damsel.” The way he had said that last sentence with a slight accusatory tone had made her heckles all rile up. He had made it sound like she had been the one actively choosing to be dealing with some of the shitheads of the cause night after night instead of simply helping him out!

Damsel had almost wanted to point out to Nines that he was the one who had asked for her help with handling the Anarchs in the Last Round but it had felt all so pointless to get into an argument over this. So instead she had just agreed with a nod and a murmured, “Yeah”.

But maybe Nines had wanted her to argue with him. It seemed so from the flash of disappointment painted on his face just before his lips had split into a smile. “Great to see you on board with this, I’ll get you set up in Seattle real soon.” It had hurt to disappoint Nines.

Damsel could feel some of that passion she had thought was lost forever start to come back as she and Nines had discussed the plan for Seattle. She saw and heard the fiery passion and excitement return to Nines as well. It gave her hope that Damsel would see the man she had remembered taking her in a lifetime ago come back to her and the cause.

Her happiness at seeing the old Nines back removed any fear she might have of entering Camarilla territory without any outside help, aside from the allies she would make in Seattle. Screw that, she could and would handle whatever bullshit the Camarilla fucks threw her way, if only for the chance to get the Anarch cause really moving again!

So Damsel had taken the dangerous journey to Seattle and got herself settled in a hideout that was hidden from the eyes of the Camarilla. At first she had missed LA and Nines terribly.

But six months had gone by and Damsel, finding herself busy making contacts and allies, discovered her Brujah passion as well her mental energy was slowly beginning to return. Maybe it was the adrenaline and the danger at every corner that brought it back or not being in LA anymore, watching the cause being stuck in limbo.

It felt awful for Damsel not to miss Nines anymore, as if she blamed his presence for her previous lack of spark, after all he had given her this opportunity to really grow again. Yet the accusation stayed in her mind, even if she didn’t want to acknowledge it.

The truth was, in LA Damsel had found herself shambling on from night to night, dealing with disrespectful idiots and Nines’ mood swings without the fire of wanting change in her belly, while in Seattle she not only had begun to have that spark back, driving her forward in this near impossible task but actually was gaining the respect from her contacts and allies that she had been needing for so long. But it had also given Damsel the space to really think about her time with Nines and it had made her realise some uncomfortable truths of how things had been in the last two decades, the changes in the group dynamics, Skelter’s leaving and the stagnation in LA. Also, while Nines had always stated that he never wanted leadership and said to everyone that he wasn’t the leader, he still was in so many ways. When everyone was acting like the Free States were nothing without him, he did little to dissuade that thinking. Maybe he never bothered trying because he feared not being heard and perhaps he was right in that. They were all devoted to Nines, acting like he could do no wrong, when in reality Nines was just a man trying to do the right thing by hiding his vulnerabilities from everyone that looked up to him for answers. And maybe it had started to go to his head in the end, since he no longer wanted to hear anyone say anything different, becoming like a cult leader in a way.

Or maybe it had always been a cult and Damsel had long ago gone off the Kool-Aid. The thought of that being true had always been an unwelcome guest in her mind but it was starting to be harder to toss out. But if he wasn’t making a cult of his personality, then what was he doing? That Damsel couldn’t, or rather didn’t, want to answer. And it wasn’t like she would ever get a straight answer from Nines anyway.

However, it wasn’t just the constant wondering if she had unknowingly been part of a cult that had made Damsel start to not miss Nines but rather she had begun to notice a pattern repeating itself. She didn’t get much contact with Nines due the nature of her mission in Seattle, though when she did, they mostly talked about how things were going on her end and his.

Apparently the goddamned Camarilla were trying to make their comeback in LA again and the fact that LaCroix getting blown up fifteen years ago wasn’t enough to make them think twice showed how desperate they must’ve been getting. Also hearing the rumours of the Second Inquisition being confirmed by Nines was deeply troubling.

But lately when Nines had gotten in touch with her, he had begun talking about this young Brujah named Annabelle. Hearing his excitement was really soul-crushing for Damsel in much the same way it had been when he had talked about Cammy fifteen years before.

His insistence that Annabelle’s spark was truly what the Free States had been needing and his enthusing about her ideas for LA, had made Damsel feel jealous all over again about another Kindred having Nines’ attention. Anytime Annabelle’s name came up in the conversation, Nines seemed to lose his enthusiasm for any of the strides that Damsel had been making.

Of course, when Damsel heard that Annabelle was expected to be the face of the Revolution, the jealousy she had felt had given way to great concern. She had asked Nines what the hell was he even thinking of, making a two-month-old Kindred into the next Jeremy McNeil?

“LA needs this, the newly made Kindred among us, Damsel! Their sparks, no matter how short-lived, keep us going, this cause can’t exist without them! And I can see that Annabelle’s spark is going to be the strongest of them all! Even when it burns out, the mark she’ll leave on us will be more like a star exploding than a small house fire,” Nines had replied wistfully, seemingly unaware of how fucking crazy he was sounding right then!

But Damsel hadn’t argued with Nines, it had felt pointless, he had sounded too far gone to listen to reason anymore. The man who cared so much about abandoned and abused Kindred seemed to have been lost completely, replaced by a fanatic that didn’t care how many would suffer in the name of his cause.

 _But aren’t I doing the same thing?_ She shook her head. No, it wasn’t the same thing, not really, she had been giving the low-down on what the score was with the righteous fight against the oppression of the Camarilla to those who had joined her. Telling it how it was, had lost Damsel some support to the cause but at least those who had remained, appreciated her honesty and understood that it wouldn’t be easy, but it was still worth fighting for the freedom they deserved.

But Damsel did feel bad for Annabelle and hoped that she wouldn’t burn out like an exploding star as Nines had described. Maybe the kid could make it or at least get away from Nines before she got fucked over. In a way Cammy had been smart to not join them, perhaps she had seen what kind of man Nines had been turning into from the very start.

All Damsel could do on her end was to fight the Camarilla in Seattle. It would take years, and perhaps she’d never live to see the city become another free city, but it was worth trying.

But one thing was for certain, she couldn’t, wouldn’t, as long Nines was there, ever go back to LA . That Nines, no matter how much Damsel had loved and cared for the man he had once been, was gone.

And, unlike her spark, she didn’t think he would ever come back again…


End file.
